I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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