You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
