My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
