how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
