My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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