I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
