she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
