she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
