I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
