Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
