No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
