i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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