All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
