I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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