I looked at my own cervix.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
