Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
