Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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