i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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