I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
