you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
