Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
