im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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