That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
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