I cannot find my penis.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
