Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
