Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
