I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
