can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
