9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i dont even know how to be here
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
