Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
