The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
