Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
