My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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