U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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