I cannot find my penis.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
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