I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
