I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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