i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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