My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
