Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
