I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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