Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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