Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
