his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
