I'm really into asian looking animals
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
