I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
