i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
