I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
