No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
