laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
